Adolescence
by Hikaru a
Summary: (Adolescence Mokushiroku manga universe) Utena begins to again dwell on her love for Touga.


  
Adolescence  
by Hikaru  
  
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A splash of water...  
  
A shout...  
  
The depths of the water...  
  
An empty boat...  
  
The one who's drowning is I.  
  
It hurts.  
  
  
  
  
Touga.  
  
  
  
  
His smile-  
  
That warm smug grin of his-  
  
Seeing it again. It hurt. Oh Touga. Touga. A thousand times  
I could say your name and the pain would never go away. It  
was all my fault.  
  
My fault.  
  
My eyes sprang open. Where was I? Oh yes. I quickly   
remembered that I was in my new dorm room. Slowly I sat up,   
bringing the covers with me.  
  
Another bad dream.  
  
Water flowing. Love disappearing.   
  
The event that would forever change my life.  
  
All my fault.  
  
I needed comfort. Something to cheer my up. Anything.   
Walking over to the closet, I opened the door and took down  
the picture of he and I. My arms wrapped around him.   
  
This wasn't helping.  
  
How innocent I was back then. If I had only known that my  
time with him was going to be so short- I would have done   
more. Spent more time with him. Told him that-  
  
He was my true prince.  
  
I could feel tears start to flow down my face. I quickly   
wiped them away with the flat of my hand. Just stop it, stop  
it. You are supposed to be strong Utena! Strong like a  
prince!  
  
But it was my fault-  
  
My fault that he-  
  
But he's not dead. Somehow, here, he's not dead. I had just   
spoken to him a few hours ago. That can't be right, no it's   
impossible!   
  
Touga is dead. All because of me. *I* killed him. He died   
saving stupid me from drowning. But what else could he do?  
Watch me drown before his eyes? At least I didn't have to   
watch him die. I found him, washed ashore, dead.  
  
His face looked so peaceful. Had he finally found happiness?  
All the tears I cried at that moment, in the rose field. I  
just wanted to die there. My prince, the one I loved, was   
taken from me.  
  
And it was all my fault-  
  
Gently I traced Touga's face in the picture with my index  
finger. Why hadn't I thrown this picture away years ago? Why  
won't I just let the memory fade as memories do. Why did   
this one stay so vivid in my mind?  
  
Tears again, this time they stung my already hot face. I   
began to taste salt in my lips. Plopping back down on my  
bed, picture still in hand, I stared off into space.   
  
I don't know how long I was there for. It was almost like I  
had gone into a catatonic state.   
  
Remembering.   
  
Red hair.  
  
Blue eyes.  
  
Soft lips.  
  
Pressed against my own, his lips made me feel alive. Reborn.  
  
Even if I was just only a child, I realized that Touga was   
the one I was destined to be with. Touga was my prince on a   
white horse. One kiss from his gentle lips and I had known  
that.  
  
Touching my lips with my fingertips, my face hardened. Why  
did I have to fall off that boat!?  
  
All my fault.  
  
I threw the picture hard against the opposite wall in  
outrage of my own helplessness. Touga had sacrificed his  
life for mine, and I can never repay him for that. Never.   
  
Never could I hold him in my arms again. Never could I slip  
my fingers through his silky red hair again.   
  
I buried my head in my pillow, cursing myself once more.  
Even as a prince I could do nothing to end this pain. I   
shook as I inhaled. Dammit. I was crying again. I couldn't  
keep doing this. Princes were supposed to be strong and   
they're-  
  
Suddenly, I was wrapped in a warm embrace.   
  
"T-Touga?" I said aloud, my voice shaken and broken from all  
the crying I had done. It could be nothing else. I could  
almost even smell his scent.  
  
The wind pounded hard against the window, whispering   
'Forget'   
  
Mindlessly, I repeated, "Forget?"  
  
And then, as quickly as it had appeared, the warmth faded.  
The scent dissapeared. Again I was left alone, in the cold,   
to suffer with the past.  
  
"Forget?" I asked again. No!   
  
No!  
  
I rose up from my bed and threw open the windows. "I can't  
forget you!" I shouted to the wind. "How can I? After all  
you've done-" Exhausted from crying, I fell to my knees, my  
head on the base of the window.   
  
The breeze felt nice against my skin. I closed my eyes.  
Forgetting all that had happened, why --or how-- could I  
do that? It had impacted my whole entire life since then. I   
had become my own prince. My adolescence had ended at that  
very moment.  
  
Or had it just began?  
  
My hand slowly went up my neck and to the back of my head.  
There my fingers slowly and blindly undid the braid. In a   
rush, my long hair fell past my shoulders, touching the   
floor.  
  
You had once said you liked long hair, that's why I kept it  
this way. It was for you.  
  
All my fault.  
  
The wind spoke again. 'Forget.' It was more forceful this  
time. The breeze swept through my pink hair and cooled my  
scalp.  
  
It was all just a dream.  
  
Forget it.  
  
I had to. For some reason, in the back of my fool head, I   
knew, deep inside, if I lingered on this I would truly go  
insane. And where would that leave me?  
  
That's not to say I was insane already.  
  
I was insane with anger and hate for the man I loved. I  
hated him because he had left me, without even saying  
goodbye, to a place where I could not follow.  
  
'Forget.'  
  
I arose slowly from the window base and walked back over to  
my bed. I again let myself drop and slowly became  
comfortable. I was not so quick to forget his death. My  
eyes, weary from all the crying I had done, slowly shut and  
I once again returned to the land of dreams; my window,   
still open, swung with the light breeze.  
  
  
  
One eye opened, I slowly looked around my dorm. The window  
was closed. My closet, shut. I had been exactly where I had  
been when I laid down to sleep. I leapt to the closet and   
opened it to see the photo of Touga and I, still intact.   
  
"A dream..." I whispered.  
  
"How weird. Why would I have such a dream...?" It had felt  
so real. A dream within a dream. It wasn't unheard of. But-  
  
Putting my hand against my head, I suddenly noticed a figure   
walking out of the courtyard. I slowly walked over to my   
window and pressed my hand against it. It was that Himemiya  
girl-  
  
"In the middle of the night... Is she going to see someone?"  
I said, watching her leave. My attention left the dream I   
had just had and turned to the departing Himemiya.  
  
Outside the wind howled against the window. Cautiously, I   
took a step back.  
  
'Forget.'  
  
It was all just a dream.  
  
Forget it.  
  
  
Fin  
  
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Author's Notes:  
  
Did this make any sense? No, but that's okay. _ It's   
Utena. ^^; I have to stop using that excuse don't I? Anyway,  
this fic has been in the making for a while, and I'm so   
glad I could finally just sit down and DO IT. Utena is one  
of the hardest, if not THE hardest, series to write for o_O  
It's all so cryptic so it's hard for me, as the author, to  
in turn become cryptic as well just to stay in the same mode  
as Utena.  
  
So did you like it? I hope I didn't offend too many A + U  
fans. If you have read/seen the movie stuff then you can   
understand. Utena is *really* hung up over Touga, as much,  
if I may say, as he is for Utena in the TV series. *dodges  
purple roses thrown at her* Hey he loves her! Just in his   
own little psychotic way @_@  
  
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Disclaimer:  
  
This fan fiction was written for the entertainment of Utena  
fans alike. Hikaru does not own the characters of Utena. The  
normal standard disclaimers preside here ^_^  
  
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